Every time I see “Directed and Produced by [the late and great] Stephen Hillenburg,” with washed strings accompanying Gene Ween’s psychedelic vocals as a slideshow of my favorite childhood characters takes its course, the dam just breaks — and the tears flow more and more as the ensuing existential crisis grows more potent

There’s a good chance that you know exactly how much you’ll like “The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water” right now, before you even set foot in the theater. If you aren’t calibrated to...