Dear Abby: I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore, or at least he doesn’t love being around me. We’ve been together for some time now, and he treats me totally differently than when we first met. We don’t even go on dates anymore. What is going on?

Humans are drawn to comfort. After a long day of classes, we all like to just put our feet up and “kickback”. It’s inevitable. But I’ll tell you, there’s a fine difference between getting comfy and cozy in your pajamas and getting comfortable in your relationship.

I see it all the time. People bending over backwards just to “whoo” that special someone. As soon as they trap them with the “girlfriend,” “boyfriend” or “partner” label, it seems their demeanor changes overnight. 

Suddenly there’s no “going the extra mile” or doing gymnastics of any sorts. It’s just the bare minimum.

When you’re blinded by love, it can be hard to tell the difference between effort and what’s expected in a relationship. It’s great your boyfriend doesn’t pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do — but is that really “pulling out all the stops,” or is it merely what we expect of our significant others?

How many of us are settling into comfortable relationships?

Are we all just too afraid to ask our partners to step it up? Or are we just not realizing what’s in front of us? 

I’m not saying your partner doesn’t love you, but what I am saying is maybe they need to cherish you more. 

Bare Minimum

The first step in understanding if you’re getting comfortable in your relationship, or if you’re on the receiving end of that treatment, is to know the difference between expected and extra.

I hear girls ranting and raving all the time when their boyfriend “compliments” them or “holds the door open” for them. That’s all well and great, but we shouldn’t be throwing flowers at people for doing the bare minimum. 

I mean, I sure hope he would compliment you, girl, he’s your boyfriend after all!

And let me be clear, by saying “bare minimum,” I don’t mean this is what our partners need to be doing at the very least to maintain this bond. I mean it in the sense that these are very basic foundations of what build a strong, sustainable relationship. Without the basic principles of respect, courtesy and kindness — you probably wouldn’t be dating this person at all. 

Generally speaking, if you’re having a hard time deciphering between the two — I would recommend you say these things out loud to yourself:

“My partner respects me.”

“My partner always checks in on me.” 

“My partner doesn’t force me to be intimate.”

While these are sentiments to appreciate, don’t put someone on a pedestal for doing things that they already should as a good human being.

Going the ‘extra’ mile

No one is saying you need to shower your partner with Tiffany and Cartier to show you care (I mean, it couldn’t hurt, though). Well, I still like to think diamonds are a girl’s best friend; there are other ways you can show that you really care and are invested in the relationship.

I don’t think there’s a “one-size-fits-all” approach to showing appreciation. Realistically, it should be tailored to the nature of your partnership. It just needs to show thought.

If you’re getting groceries, why not also grab them some flowers or their favorite snack? If they’re feeling stressed, why not help take something off of their plate?

Yes, to be loved is to be seen. But, really, to be loved is to be considered. And fortunately, consideration is one of those things that takes on so many different forms.

Don’t forget, you’re still dating each other

When you’re caught up in the pursuit of love, it feels like you’ve finally jumped over the hurdle once you put a label on things. 

I hate the downward decline most relationships descend into once the labels start flying around. Just because you secured the relationship doesn’t mean you secured it for life. You should still be actively trying to show your partner you want them every day.

When we add labels to our relationships, we get more familiar and comfortable with one another. Sometimes, so much so that we forget we’re dating them at all — it just seems like the norm. 

But you still need to go on dates, and you still need to complement each other, and you still need to plan outings. You still need to spend quality time together and get involved in each other’s interests. 

The more we slip into comfort, the more these things slip by the wayside. All I’m going to say is: if you feel like you’re not working for your relationship, maybe do some introspection.

And don’t twist my words — I’m not saying loving someone else involves a workout, but rather an active effort. 

My point

Even I had a hard time writing this article because the line between bare minimum and going the extra mile is still very blurred to me. Maybe it’s that I have high standards, but I believe that when you choose to enter a relationship, you should be all in. 

It’s great to feel comfortable with the person you’re with, but you shouldn’t become comfortable with how things are. 

Remember that saying: “There’s plenty of fish in the sea?” There’s some truth to that. There are so many fish in the sea that if you don’t pull your weight, one of those other fish probably will. And no, not a literal fish.

In sum, I think the real secret to every good relationship is, believe it or not, a bit of discomfort!