I’ve always loved taking pictures. Whether I’m in front of or behind the camera, I love capturing different moments and being able to look back on them. Therefore, I’m frequently scrolling through my camera roll and reflecting on all of my memories.

However, there’s been a shift in the enjoyment that I get from this scrolling ever since my breakup. Rather than feeling happy and nostalgic, I feel anxious and upset. 

Once I scroll deep enough through my camera roll to hit the time period of my past relationship, I begin to feel anxious, expecting to be reminded of everything, regardless of whether there are pictures of us right away. Before I even reach this time, I can already feel a pit forming in my stomach. 

Since being at school, the number of photos in my camera roll has multiplied considerably, which means I have to dig deeper to get to the summer. However, as I previously mentioned, I’m often scrolling through all of the pictures, frequently reminiscing on something that is no longer.   

Oftentimes, I simply search for a specific image or memory, preferably a happy one. Instead, I am hit in the face with pictures of someone who is no longer in my life and memories that I struggle to look at and remember without crying. 

While the simple solution is to just delete the photos, that means they’d be gone forever. I don’t want that. I don’t want to strike out these pictures of my first love and have all the memories we made together completely lost. I don’t want to delete the photos and act like it never happened — because it did.

I had an incredibly serious and real relationship that I don’t want to dismiss and forget. However, if I keep the photos, I get triggered every time I go through my camera roll.

It feels like there’s no perfect solution. 

I decided to delete some images, but given how long we were together, I still have hundreds of pictures.  

As time has gone on, I’ve had an easier time with it. I’ve filled my camera roll with so many new memories and experiences to the point where it doesn’t feel like our relationship consumes my camera roll anymore. 

Honestly, I think that it’s completely ok to be upset about it. We’ve only been broken up for five months — a checkpoint where no one is expected to be completely healed or over everything. 

I know there will be a time when I can look at all my pictures and smile rather than cry. I’m not there quite yet, and that is fine. In the meantime, I’m focusing on doing what I love to do — photographing my memories and scrolling through them however often I desire. 

I’m taking more photos now than ever before and, as I’m sure everyone knows, digital cameras are making a huge comeback. While I’m continuing to take photos on my phone, using my digital camera has truly helped me relieve this anxiety. 

I can still take as many photos as I want, and they come out with better quality. Without having to search through anything else, I can stay strictly focused on the moment and not on the past. 

It’s almost as if the comeback of the digital camera and its popular demand was made for me during this time to help me transition back into doing what I love. 

Regardless of what medium I’m using, I’m taking advantage of every moment and opportunity, whether it’s simply for a good time or a good picture. 

Something I never really realized is how many pictures I took with my ex-boyfriend, and how little I had with my friends. Now, with only my friends in the picture, I can fully focus on my friendships and avoid associating pictures and camera rolls with romantic relationships. 

No matter what, camera rolls are bound to be anxiety-inducing following a breakup. However, having a more positive outlook and beneficial techniques, such as shifting the focus onto friendships and trying out new mediums, allow me to reinvent and return comfortably to this passion of mine.