I am so tired.
Tired of seeing the same headlines over and over again, of hearing about another woman murdered, brutalized, raped or kidnapped. Tired of living life with a nagging fear in the back of my head because I could be the next headline. Tired of having to yell and scream for my fellow sisters and then watching it happen all over again.
The most frustrating part of this cycle is seeing people — specifically men — become defensive instead of engaging in a productive conversation and actually hearing what we have to say.
The most recent heartbreaking news has come out of London, where a woman by the name of Sarah Everard was found killed and a London police officer was charged with her kidnap and murder. She was walking home alone from a friend’s apartment in South London March 3 when she disappeared — it was the last time anyone would see her alive.
It is these headlines that we, as women and femme-presenting individuals, see every day that make us feel unsafe doing the simplest of things, like walking down the street or going to the gas station to fill up our tanks. I walk around with mace in my pocket everywhere I go, and if I am alone at night, I always have my finger on the button just in case.
These headlines are the same reason that every time my grandma calls me, she reminds me to never leave a place alone with a man or let my friends do so either. It is why my friends and I all have our locations shared with one another, why I look over my shoulder wherever I go and why I cannot go on a run past 5 p.m.
In response to this recent tragedy, many women have taken to social media to talk about these daily fears.
During these conversations, I have noticed many men get defensive and respond that “not all men” are bad. This is an irrelevant argument to the conversation at hand and only takes away from the important information we are trying to share and discuss.
Furthermore, if you are a man who is quick to jump on the defense, you need to understand that because of the society you were raised in — riddled with toxic masculinity and strict gender roles — you have probably unknowingly contributed to this environment women are so fearful of.
Maybe you did not intend to, but there is a good chance you watched one of your friends make a woman uncomfortable or you did so yourself. If you have cat-called anyone, felt entitled to a girl who friend-zoned you or made inappropriate sexual comments to someone — just to name a few instances of harassment — you, too, are part of the problem.
Women are aware that it is not all men who are out there abusing and assaulting us, but it is enough men doing so that we have to be wary of every single one. If you are getting defensive rather than being upset over the reality of our lives, you have some serious reevaluating to do.
And it isn’t just women who are victims of this toxic environment. Men are also being harmed by our society.
In the last month alone, two men have died from hazing-related incidents. Why is this behavior to prove manliness and brotherhood so normalized?
Men raised in an environment of toxic masculinity can struggle with social isolation for the rest of their lives, according to a study by Michigan State University. This social isolation and repression in turn impacts their health and happiness.
There is evidence this enforced lifestyle of being “manly” has led to higher suicide rates for men because they are less likely to reach out for help or discuss their feelings with others. Men died by suicide nearly four times more than women in 2018, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Center.
The battle of toxic masculinity is not something only women are facing — we could all benefit from changing how we raise our children.
If you are a man, you need to actively contribute to making the world a safer and better place for women. It is not enough to simply say you will not partake in the behaviors that end with us getting attacked or killed. You need to call out abusive, toxic or sexist behavior when you see it. You cannot be a bystander.
Next time your friend is harassing a girl, tell him to stop. Next time you are walking behind a woman in the dark, keep in mind how scary you might seem to her. Being aware of these issues and behaviors can help you better prevent them.
Furthermore, we need to fix this problem at the root by raising our children better. We need to raise women to know they are not responsible for what men do to them, and we need to raise men to respect women, respect boundaries and listen to us.
If you are a man currently hearing our cries, listening and responding positively, I thank you for being a part of the solution and not the problem.
If you are a part of the problem, do better.