I always stay up late, chasing the vague concept of a “stellar academic standing.”

I make sure every single homework assignment is done, every single reading is annotated and every single topic is learned. Even right now, this article is being written at 3 a.m. 

Yet, no matter how much I learn, I keep wondering how much more I have yet to do. 

Who am I beyond achievements? 

The expectations of perfection feel like a cycle I can’t escape from. Every task feels like a step towards a better version of myself, but that version never seems to happen. I always feel one paper, one grade or one goal away from being “enough,” losing sight of the moments where I can express myself through who I am, and not by what I do. 

There is always something more to do for the next day, the next week or even the next month. The path to success is within my grasp, but somehow, it feels unreachable. 

What am I chasing? What do I pursue? What does that feeling of satisfaction feel like?

This is not only my story. It’s an untold narrative of countless students who live under the pressure of academic expectation enforced by society. 

We measure our worth in grades we receive and the deadlines we meet, but never in the amount of time we take for ourselves. Our hard work comes with the price of neglecting our emotional needs. 

This socially-prescribed perfectionism does not take into account the toll unrealistic expectations can take. From childhood, there is an unspoken rule: you are as good as your achievements. This notion is so ingrained, that it becomes a social “theorem”— accepted without question.

These unspoken rules come from an impossible balance of personal and academic life.

There is too much emphasis on the goal to succeed academically and then advance in a career, leaving no space to simply be yourself. 

How many times did you sacrifice your sleep schedule to finish your assignment? How many times did you resort to excessive worrying about a grade? How many times did you choose yourself?

For many students, the desire to be perfect stems from fear. Fear of failure, missing out, not measuring up, lost opportunity and being judged. When these fears are actualized, they lead to burnout, anxiety and depression. 

Perfectionism is a heavy burden. 

When the criteria is not met, intense self-blame and stress kicks in. The standards we impose on ourselves are impossible. They are unrealistic and unstable, and don’t take our personal abilities into consideration.  

Despite that, we continue to chase perfection. We look around our peers that seem to excel in everything. We build the concept of what perfectionism looks like, sentencing ourselves to the “terms and conditions” of the success formula. We involuntarily agree to follow the blueprint without questioning its validity.

In reality, being perfect is a mirage — a personally crafted pair of handcuffs we allow ourselves to be chained to. Our internal standards stem from external pressure that are actualized in our mind. The vicious cycle of perfectionism feeds from our anxieties and creates a loop of unrealistic expectations we cast upon ourselves. 

The more we demand from ourselves, the less we appreciate the moments of growth from mistakes. Life is imperfect, and its beauty is in patternless and subjective moments. 

And with that, I close my laptop and go to sleep. 

For once, I want to think that I am enough not because of grades and productivity, but because I am a human, and sometimes that’s who I need to be. 

Perhaps the first step toward freedom is realizing that perfection is a myth we were never meant to chase.